I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
