Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
