Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
