Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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