the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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