my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
