just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
