last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
