Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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