Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
