The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
