You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
