How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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