Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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