sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
