Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
