If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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