i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
