i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
