I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
