What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
