if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
