you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
