I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
