Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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