just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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