I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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