He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
