I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
