You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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