don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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