In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
