Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
