i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
