Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I need moral support for this bender
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
