did you get engaged???
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
