Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
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