May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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