Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
