she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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