I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
