My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
