Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
