if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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