you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
whose ass print is on the piano?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
