You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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