i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
