apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
