I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
