We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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