i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
